Sterling

Sterling has been adjusting well to Tacoma.  He's always been enthusiastic about the move, from the day we told him the news.  It is a big adventure to him. 

We started right away trying to get him into Spanish-Immersion.  The website said they were full.  When I talked to the Tacoma Schools main office they said they were full.  But I applied anyway and after a couple of more phone calls found he got in.  He was hoping to go to school in English only.  He's been complaining about Spanish-Immersion.  But as soon as I found out, I started telling everyone and of course everyone was very excited for him, and he started to feel better about taking Spanish.  His Portland Spanish-Immersion was 80% Spanish.  Tacoma Immersion is 50%, which he likes much better.

We took him on February 1 to sign him up.  His school is beautiful!  It is only 16 years old, with a nice library and updated classrooms.  The school even got a grant and is hatching salmon in a tank in the hallway.  There are 250 salmon to check in on every day.  School was not in session that day, which we didn't realize, but we were able to sign him up to start Monday.  His teacher was there with her classroom assistant, and Sterling was able to have a tour and get to know them a little bit.

Sterling made a new best friend his first week at his school.  There is a child in his classroom whose best friend moved away a few weeks before and he and Sterling hit it off, immediately.  They play Spider Man and other super heroes.  Sterling will correct me if I say they "play."  He tells me they do serious business like fight crime and time travel, etc. 

Sterling has two other friends.  The first we met in Portland, and his family moved a year before we did.  So when it snowed the first two weeks we were here, Sterling played twice with his friend that he had met 2 other times in Portland. 

The next friend we met at the library.  We've been going to events at the library, because they are free and fun.  There are crafts or science activities or games.  Sterling really wanted to make a clock, so we went and did that.  As we were leaving another family was arriving, with a child about his age.  We saw them and waved and they were friendly.  We exchanged phone numbers and set up a time to meet.  It turns out this friend was home-schooled in English and Spanish and it wasn't going as well as hoped.  His mom asked about Sterling's school and 2 weeks later he is in Sterling's class.  So now the 3 boys are inseparable! 

I signed Sterling up with the Boys and Girls Club because they have drop-in days and I got a job where I would be filling in--a substitute activity director at a nursing home.  He loved the one day he went--they have snacks and crafts!  During orientation for that job, I got a call from another place I applied.  When I finally got through the next day, they were offering me a full-time job 8-4:30, m-f, coordinating hospice volunteers.  Of all the jobs I applied for, this was the one I really wanted.  So now I start on the 8th of April.  Sterling will do before care through the YMCA, which is right there at his school, and go to Boys and Girls Club after school on the school bus.  We are all very excited for the next step!

Ash Wednesday 2019

"Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return."  We hear these words tonight.  Are they are warning?  Are they encouragement?  

These words come from the book of Genesis (3:19).  They are God's words, "By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return."  Here they are a description of a consequence because Adam and Eve gave into temptation.  And actually, these words are only spoken to Adam, although we know that the same happens to women, too.

Here in the Bible they are stated as a consequence, but probably it went more like this.  Someone asked, "Why do we have to work so hard and why is giving birth so painful and why does everything turn to dust and why am I always having to dust these shelves and tables?"  And people thought about it and talked about it and they said maybe things weren't always that way, because it doesn't seem like they should be.  And they thought of human nature and how it might contribute to the dustiness of our lives and the way things fall apart.  And I think in a lot of ways they were right.

Sometimes all the things we do, don't add up to much, all the work we put in gets undone.  Sometimes life is going so well and we undermine it with our fears that we aren't enough.  Sometimes we've built something wonderful and someone else or even just life, knocks it down again.  Cities rise but also fall.  Eventually everything becomes ruins.  Everything on this earth returns to dust, except maybe styrofoam, but that's a topic for another time. 

Sometimes this feels like bad news.  Everything falls apart.  Everything dies.  Everything gets dusty. 

But what is the alternative?  Everything stays the same forever--that's scary, as the styrofoam example will tell you.  That rocks would stay rocks and ocean would stay ocean and people would live forever in these bodies.  That's the illusion we live under.  It doesn't seem like things are changing and then all of a sudden I say to myself, "How did that kid get so tall?" or "What is this new thing going on with me?  Am I mellowing out a little bit?  Maybe I am capable of finding moments of peace!"  We sing songs about God never changing, like "How Great Thou Art" "Thou changest not, thy compassions they fail not, as thou hast been thou forever will be."  or "No storm can shake my inmost calm, while to that rock I'm clinging!"  We like to think of God as our unchanging rock, but if there is anything we know about God it is that God never stands still for a second.  In Genesis God's spirit us moving over the waters, creating the heavens and the earth and all their creatures, the sun and moon and stars and plants, and on and on.  When the Israelites wander in the wilderness, God is in the moveable tent, the tabernacle, among them, sometimes going up the mountain with Moses, but always on the move, with the people.  And not just physically moving, but shaping the people into God's people, creating and re-creating them.  In the promised land, people try to stop God moving by building a temple, but God never asked for a house to live in.  When the Israelites are kidnapped into exile, and wondering how to be in God's presence if the temple is back home, God appears in the dreams of the prophets, with the people, moving them, changing their hearts, re-creating them, moving and changing.  For God to be still and unchanging, like a rock is limiting, confining.  But for God to be present in ever-changing wind and fire, always creating and re-creating us in relationship to God and each other, that's the miracle and that makes the dust.  Wind, water, flame: They are always changing, moving, powerful, and they make dust.  They grind away at mountain sides, they burn and turn to ash, they transform.  And transformation isn't always comfortable.

Part of our problem is our demonization of dust.  Dust is trash.  Dust is rubbish, worthless.  We are always trying to eradicate it and it always comes back.  It is a battle we are in.

But dust can be fascinating if you let it.  It is bits of other things.  It is bits of skin and hair, bits of you and me, bits of food, wood, clothing, rocks, dirt.  That is not worthless!  That dust used to be part of something else.  That broke down and has the potential to become something else.  That broke down and became something else.  Then that became part of us or our house or our food or our bodies and broke down again.  Now I will sweep it up and throw it out, but it will then become part of something else.  God took that dust, that dirt and formed the first human, dirt-person, earthling, Adam, Eve.  Isn’t amazing that you and I are also made from the dust and particles of other creatures and buildings and even the dust of the stars.  We humans have such a limited view.  What would it take to see like God sees the beauty, the life, the potential in a pile of dust?  So God spits in that dust and starts to shape it and create and even create such a fearfully and wonderfully made creature as you and me and your neighbor and your enemy and your pets and so on.  That we are dust, means we are connected to all other life and even all things not living, in that we share pieces.  We are a mosaic of all that God has made.

Remember the first time you saw the dust floating in a shaft of light?  Do you remember that wonder and awe and hope you felt as you watched all that sparkling dust?  Reclaim that wonder.  Go home and the next time the sun is out, open a window and sit and pray in thanksgiving for this wonderful world God has made and this dust that once was part of you and me and now is sent out into the world to be part of other realities.

It sounds like good news to me that we will fall apart and become part of everything once again.  That is death and resurrection.  That is creation and re-creation.  And we don't have to die to do it.  It is always going on, the shifting of dust.

The other part that I don't mind about the dust stuff, is that this world is so broken, I need God to recreate it.  I need to know that there will be a time when this body won't walk this earth, that I'll live in a different way, whether that is in heaven, or in unity with all creation.  I don't care, but the pains and failings of this life cause me to long for a time when I will be fully embraced by God and all my failings will be dust.  There are plenty of people in this world I can't bear the thought that they will one day be dust, but I can bear my own dustiness, and I can bear it when I think of God's plans for new life and resurrection.

One part of us that will truly be dust is our temptation to try to impress each other and our hypocrisy.  We know its dust and God knows its dust.  When we are trying to impress someone with our prayers or piety or clothing or perfect words, it will all fall apart, sooner or later, because there is always someone we can't please.  And the older I get, the more I say, "Who cares what they think!"  I do care at some level, but I am learning to let go of other people's opinions of me.  We will never please everyone.  But God gives us a more excellent way and it feels more honest, it can bring us moments of peace and true joy, and that is to do something good in secret.  To have a secret between me and God, someone helped, someone's life made easier, is so fun!  That is treasure stored up in heaven, not that we store up points to get us into heaven, but that we create heaven on earth for people who are struggling and in need, or that God creates heaven, the Kingdom of God through us, right here, right now.  We don't have to wait.

This cross we trace on our foreheads, is the same we received at baptism, with all the grace, and love and promises of God.  Today isn’t just about dust, but about relationship, about creativity, about what God is building in, with, and through us.

So don't be afraid of a little dust.  You're already dusty, that's ok.  By smearing it on, we're taking away the illusion that we've got it all together, that we're clean. We're not.  We're piles of dust that God formed out of chaos, breathed into and is working through.  We're imperfect, broken, incomplete, but not even that can stop God transforming, recreating this world into the Kingdom of God.

Making friends

We are here in Tacoma almost a month.  Two weeks of that we were snowed in, but thankfully the last two weeks have been better.  We did make the most of the snow days and connected twice with acquaintances we met in Portland that moved to Tacoma a year ago.  The woman gave us lots of insights about Tacoma and was just fun to visit with.  Her son is a year older than Sterling and the boys got along well.

All three of us went and cleaned our Portland home a week ago Saturday.  We didn't get a lot done, but we saw how much there was to do.  We met with a potential property manager who gave us a lot of information that helped us to picture being able to rent our house.

Over the last week, I met the sister of a local pastor, and we struck up a friendship.  She is also a pastor and was serving a congregation she loved.  That call ended mid-January and they moved the day after we did.  She and I have a lot in common--sore muscles and hands from moving, grieving our congregations, feeling a little adrift.  She got me out for a nice walk along the waterfront on a sunny day and has showed me around Tacoma a little bit.  That has been very helpful.  She's from the area, so she has a good support network, but she's taken me under her wing, which I appreciate.

After getting a picture of what was going on with the house, I made a plan to go back last weekend and spend 2 nights and knock out as much of it as I could.  I invited some friends to come help.  Sterling ended up going with his grandparents overnight on Saturday and they even helped clean and took a load to the dump.  It was amazing what all we got accomplished.  Long story short, as soon as the handyman finishes installing the back door, it is ready to rent.  That is a huge weight lifted!

This week I sat down and input all my receipts for our taxes.  I am waiting until we plug in the printer to be able to finish them.  Remember when you had to go get your tax forms from the post office?  I felt a sense of accomplishment even locating our W-2s and the receipts.  I am feeling better about how I am spending my time.  I am trying to set a bit of a schedule and accomplish little things each day.

This week I had one interview and next week I have another.  That is helping me focus and stay hopeful.  I have an appointment for coffee today with a local pastor and a meeting tomorrow at a church I get to preach at on Ash Wednesday.  I also have another pulpit supply gig set up for April.  I got out the box that has my robe and stoles.  I haven't opened it yet. 

Finally, my neighbor from Portland and her daughter are coming to stay tomorrow night.  She's bringing her cot, since we don't have a bed for the guest room yet.  I'm looking forward to showing her around and having a nice visit.

Settling in

A lot is going well after our move.  Sterling loves his new school and almost every day says it is the best day ever.  His teacher says he is a delight to have in class and he is testing very high, especially in reading.  We've been to the library several times and he's been reading every day.  He has been treating me better and we've had a lot of time to do crafts together, including sewing a pair of Miraculous Ladybug pants.  They are almost complete.

Thankfully it didn't snow while we were moving, however we were here about 3 days when it started snowing and we were stuck for almost 2 weeks.  We couldn't go much of anywhere or meet new people, or explore Tacoma.  We did make it to the gym a few times and Nick and I got the cars registered.  We got together with someone we knew from Portland who moved to Tacoma a year ago--a woman and her son who is a year older than Sterling.  That was a bright spot. 

I have been very anxious and homesick.  I applied for jobs from the computer.  I deleted my church contacts from Facebook and my phone.  I felt trapped in the house.  We had planned to go back and clean our Portland house during this time, but we couldn't get out.  I've been feeling miserable.  I've been grieving my congregation and Portland.

Sunday I was able to get to church.  Sterling wanted to go back to the one we tried first, but I talked him out of it.  We found a small congregation and attended there.  We were greeted immediately and warmly and invited into conversation.  Someone sat with us and interacted with us.  They had a guest organist and there were hiccups, but it was fine.  And ever since I've had the Glory to God in my head.  So I have my dark cloud of unhappiness, but I have this other song playing against it.  It is a strange and good combination, reminding me of God's goodness and the bigger picture while I feel sorry for myself.

Then I went to text study yesterday, and that really lifted my spirits.  It was nice to be with colleagues and people who understand what it means to serve a congregation and leave a congregation and be in a new place and trying to follow where God leads.  Then another colleague invited me to coffee.  She just left a call mid-January.  She also loved her congregation and is grieving heavily.  She moved to Tacoma the day after we did and can't get back to her house because of snow there.  I felt a lot better after all that.

Also, we did finally get to Portland to clean.  We didn't get a lot done, but it meant a lot that Nick came too and didn't just send me to do it all.  Also we met with a property manager that gave us hope that our place would rent and we wouldn't have to do much to it to get it ready.  We could see what all has to be done and I am going back this weekend and will spend the night and invite as many friends as possible to come help out and hopefully knock out a whole bunch of it.  So we have a plan.

Also, the Assistant to the Bishop is hopeful we can find a church for me soon.  I have one profile in my in-box and another on the way, with a third available if one of the first two doesn't work out.  I see a little light coming through the cracks.

First Sunday in Tacoma

I did my research.  Listed every ELCA church in Tacoma, average weekly attendance, address, service time, whether they were Reconciling in Christ, and gender of the pastor.  I picked one that had a band, since that interested Sterling. 

No one talked to us.  I got eye contact when the usher gave us the bulletin and "God's peace" during the sharing of the peace.  Otherwise nothing.  A woman and a child visiting, dressed fine, alert and participating. 

We went to coffee hour.  I sat down and turned to another woman at the table and asked a question about something in the bulletin.  She was a visitor, too.  We had a nice visit.

I don't need to be smothered when I visit a church, but I underestimated how disturbing it would be not to be acknowledged really or treated as worthy of a conversation or even a polite greeting.  It was frustrating and I feel sad and angry about it.  We are new, in need of connection.  We have so much to give.  But even if we didn't, we are human.  We came for community.  It was not offered to us.

This Sunday it snowed, so we didn't get a chance to find another place to visit. 

I have signed up with unfriendly church to attend Interfaith Advocacy Day.  I really don't want to go by myself.  Maybe I'll find they warm up on subsequent visits or in small groups.  Everybody deserves a second chance. 

Moving and saying goodbye

Over the past two months I have been saying goodbye to my congregation.  My husband had been making great efforts to land a job that he could explore his passions in an organization with staff who loved film and worked together as a team.

As he began to interview, I started therapy.  I wanted to prepare myself in case big changes were afoot. I had been overwhelmed by a string of deaths of beloved members of my congregation, as well as my grandmother and niece a year and a half ago.  So I got to feel my grief and listen to my emotions which were pretty much yelling at me to pay attention. 

So I said goodbye.  I am glad I took two months to do it.  There was so much to say and do.  I have a lot of love and memories with my parishioners.  Then the last two weeks the goodbyes intensified as we celebrated together with gifts and stories and then had our last annual meeting together.

We came up to the area the week between Christmas and New Years.  We looked at 6 places, 1 in Seattle and 5 in Tacoma.  Our eyes were opened to the housing market.  There were no houses in our price range that we could fit into anywhere north of Tacoma, that we could find.  Thankfully the house we all agreed on had no applications on it and after a lot of panic trying to get our rental history and paperwork together to apply, we were finally accepted.  One hope that I had was that we could spread out a little bit and have a larger space.  We got that and even have room for me to have a sewing area and for guests to stay with us.

Moving out was hectic.  We took one load up mid-January when we got the keys.  We brought all the heavy furniture and wore ourselves completely out getting them up the stairs and in.  During the following week I interviewed for a job up here, so I made the trip two more times.  Once, Nick and Sterling came, too, and we spent the night in our new house.  We were able to leave one of the cars in Tacoma.  The second time, I was up and back in one day.  But that was one day I wasn't packing or cleaning.  The job ended up not being for me.  It was frustrating because the board was split over whether to hire me and it seemed to come down to their lack of trust that I would be committed, because it would have been a long commute from Tacoma.  I felt like they were trying to parent me.  I also felt like they wanted too much from the person filling the position and didn't care very much about that person having much of a life.  They saw the job being 50 hours a week and there were no benefits.  So I am frustrated and relieved at the same time.

I finished work on the 27th, and packed up my office on the 28th.  We spent the next two days packing and cleaning the house.  Friends came and helped us, thankfully, or we'd have never got as much done as we did.

We packed the truck.  Loaded up boxes from the basement.  We ran out of time to do the deep cleaning.  We drove up here.  When we got to Tacoma, Sterling shouted excitedly, "They have Target, here!"  Through this all, he has been excited and ready for an adventure.  I'm trying to be more like him.

January 20, 2019

John 2:1-11         

Isaiah 62:1-5       

1 Corinthians 12:1-11

                Dear King of Kings, I am overwhelmed by your love.  I have spent 1/3 of my life ministering with you.  It is time for me to go.  I have so many feelings about that.  I feel sad.  I feel grouchy.  And I feel grateful, joyful, hopeful, and even happy.  I have to go.  It is time.

                You ready for some good news? 

                You are full of gifts!  It wasn’t just the church in Corinth that had gifts.  This is a beautiful, healthy, congregation.  Through all its turbulent history, you have worked through the trials, set limits about what you’d put up with, held each other close, laughed, cried, and prayed, prayed, prayed.  And you worked hard!  Together!  No one can take your history away from you, what’s made you who you are as a congregation.  What a gift that history has been and now this ministry becomes part of that history.  Some of it has been great.  Some of it has been painful.  Some of it has been messy.  You’ve tried to learn everything you could, so that you didn’t repeat our mistakes too many times, but there’s plenty of grace to go around.  That’s another gift, grace.  You’ve got God’s grace, forgiving, loving, freeing.  You’ve got grace for each other, to call each other on what needs to be said, but to remember we’re all human and fallible, so let’s try again. 

                Not only does the congregation have gifts, but all you individuals have gifts.  You have gifts of teaching, of truth-telling, of time, of listening, of quiet support, of prayer, of openness.  I’ve seen you use them hundreds of thousands of times.  Let your gifts bring you together and compliment one another.  Keep on sharing those gifts with the body of Christ, the larger community, and everywhere.

Keep those gifts flowing.  Keep your financial gifts flowing.  They don’t belong to you, anyway.  They are God’s.  Don’t withhold your giving out of protest of something that’s not going your way.  Keep on volunteering and showing up and praying.  Keep sharing your gifts, because that’s what God gave them to you for.  They are for times of discomfort and uncertainty at least as much as for times of joy and ease. 

                Put aside your humility for a second and listen.  It isn’t just my skewed view of things.  You are beautiful.  You are beloved.  You have a lot to offer another pastor and visitors and this neighborhood.  Stand up tall.  I have been saying to everyone else, but maybe I haven’t said to you until now, how spoiled I’ve been to be here because of God’s gifts and blessings through you.  I’m not saying it has been a total walk in the park, but where it matters, you show up, you face your challenges with courage, and you have everything you need, with God’s help, to go where God is leading you.

Which brings me to the next gift.  God is with you.  My favorite psalm is 139.  “If I climb up to heaven, you are there; if I make the grave my bed, you are there also. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand will lead me and your right hand hold me fast.”  There is nowhere we can go that God isn’t with us.  God’s been the faithful one, yes working through me, working through you, but it is God who is ultimate good and never abandons us.  That’s not going to change.  God is with you and will continue to be.  God is with me and will continue to be.  God’s work continues in a different way.

How can I thank God enough for all God’s gifts to me through you?  You were there for me when my child was born and walked with me through 7 years of motherhood.  You had faith enough to send me on a sabbatical.  You honored my days off.  You poured yourself into the ministry here.  You took leaps of faith.  You visited each other.  You offered me so much forgiveness.  You stuck it out.  Keep up the good work!  I will watch you from afar and pray for you and cheer you on.

So here we are at the wedding at Cana.  Jesus’ first miracle.  He doesn’t heal anyone.  He doesn’t even provide something necessary for life.  He keeps the party going.  This time is difficult for me, for us.  But Jesus saves the best wine for when there is only water left.  We’ve had lots of wine together, over the years.  Now it feels a little more like water, like the chaos, like a death or many little deaths.  But Jesus is here.  And Jesus is turning our water into wine.  This worship is a party, a celebration of all that God has been doing.  We sing a little, we eat a little, we communicate, we smile, we are gathered with our host Jesus.  And I hope you’ll stay for the after party in a little while and celebrate, because we are resurrection people.  We can go through the tough stuff, knowing that we’re not alone, that the community gathered is the body of Christ risen for the world, that there will be celebrations and Jesus never misses a party.  It’s a mixed feeling when he turns the water into wine.  Not that many people witness it.  Probably most of the people who drank it, didn’t even know it was miracle wine.  But then to think of Jesus at the last supper and in communion offering wine as his blood poured out for us.  All the emotions are mixed up together, kind of like they are today.  Gratefulness, sadness, grief, fear, hope, joy, love.  Jesus’ first miracle shows us what kind of a Savior he’s going to be.  He’s going to give his life that we might have life, and not so we can stay in sadness or fear or guilt forever, but so that we might have joy and celebration and hope.

Someone told me last week, “Sorry to tell you this, but we had a really great meeting without you.”  I was not sorry and you shouldn’t be either.  This is the work we’ve been doing together.  You are equipped.  If you’re not, you have what you need to get equipped.  You’re going to be fine.  Don’t think I need you to fail so that I know I am important.  When you soar, I soar.  When you have a great meeting or learn something new or connect with someone, that is the building up of the body of Christ.  God has done a good work in you.  I got to come over here and play for a while.  I brought everything I had and what I didn’t have you helped me bumble through.  But God did this, not me.  I accept your love and your thanks and I offer it right back to you, but don’t try to give me the credit.  We danced together with God as our leader and you will dance and drink wine again and so will I, maybe even soon.

I thank all of you and I thank God for giving you to me for a little while to teach me how to be a pastor.